Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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