I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
