He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Someone came in the potted fern
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
