my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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