I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
