If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
