I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
