he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
