He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
