walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
