I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
