oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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