i dedicated my morning wood to you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
