every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
