My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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