9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
