i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
