Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
