The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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