Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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