he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
