I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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