Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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