I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
