That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
