you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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