your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
