Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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