We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
