I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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