im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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