I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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