Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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