Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
