I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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