The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
