I am full of burrito and curiosity
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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