Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I yelled at your uterus for you.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
