Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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