She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
