I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
