The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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