I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
