I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
