On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
