Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
