Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just cropdusted the office
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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