Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
