I have demons in me.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
