I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Randomize
